Listmania! 2005 - The Top 25 Albums of the Year... (and I'm so glad this fucking year is over)

After reading what feels like a thousand different bloggers’ best-of lists, I’ve realized what an utter waste of time this truly is. There’s nothing like the endless litany of critical evaluation (of the same 50 albums, but in different order) to make you wonder if you even like the music you claim to like… or if you just “like” it because you’re supposed to. The only difference between me and every other music critic out there is that I DON’T get paid to do this, and I actually DO pay for music. In other words, I am a fucking idiot. Also, there is no question that I’m too old to have a blog.

I do hope that you listen to some of these albums, because many of them seem quite good and music is nice. But this is probably the last time I do this. You either like stuff or you don’t. List is just another word for nothin’ else to do.

25. Kaiser Chiefs – Employment
24. Dead Meadow – Feathers
23. Broken Social Scene – Broken Social Scene
22. Vitalic – OK Cowboy
21. Doves – Some Cities
20. The Raveonettes – Pretty in Black
19. Deerhoof – The Runners Four
18. Franz Ferdinand – You Could have It So Much Better…
17. Kanye West – Late Registration
16. The Magic Numbers – The Magic Numbers
15. Stephen Malkmus – Face the Truth
14. Ladytron – Witching Hour
13. M83 – Before the Dawn Heals Us
12. Maximo Park – A Certain Trigger
11. Art Brut – Bang Bang Rock n Roll

10. Spoon – Gimme Fiction

For the second year running, a band I thought I disliked releases a 360-degree-turner. Last year it was Modest Mouse. Now it’s Spoon’s turn. After hearing “Me and the Bean” from their 2001 Girls Can Tell album, it seemed clear that Britt Daniels’s raspy voice and earnest self-importance were the stuff yawns are made of. Then came Gimme Fiction. First of all, the band has loosened the hell up. “I Turn My Camera On” and “Was It You?” are funky. Funky. (The latter also sounds exactly like a Brian Eno song, circa 1977.) It’s an eclectic, entertaining effort from a band that no longer takes itself too seriously. Hey, with music it’s nice to be proved wrong about this kind of thing… ‘cause the final result is one more band you get to like. Everybody wins.
Standouts: “I Turn My Camera On,” “I Summon You”

9. Sufjan Stevens – Illinois

A full album about each of the 50 states is one hell of an ambitious undertaking. It also runs the risk of being really goddamn precious and boring. Plus the songwriter likes to reference his own Christianity. And, frankly, after the first few times I heard some of these songs… well it all seemed a little Polyphonic Spree. Look, anyone who knows me can tell you that “heartfelt religious songs about Geography” does not appear in the “Interests” section of my Friendster profile. So, even though it’s about my home state, I’m still more than a little surprised by how good the overall album is. Like Arcade Fire’s Funeral, Illinois is a serious grower… but at 24 songs and almost 90 minutes in length, it takes considerably more growing time. The bottom line is this: Stevens is a scary genius and he just might have 50 states’ worth of songs in him.
Standouts: “Come On! Feel the Illinoise!” “Casimir Pulaski Day”

8. Stars – Set Yourself On Fire

Set Yourself on Fire made a lot of best-of lists last year, but that’s only because music nerds are so willing to buy stuff on import. Penny-pinchers who insisted on the domestic release had to wait until this March to sample yet another Great Canadian Album. (What’s up with the Great White North all of a sudden? Is it the Moosehead beer? Is it because Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas? That would explain the corresponding drop in the quality of American music.) Whatever… the point is that this is some seriously high-quality twee-rock. Fantastic girl-boy vocals, lots of strings (mostly synthesized), and great lyrics (“This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin;” “Twenty years of sleep before we sleep forever”) add up to the album equivalent of the well-read, librarian-glasses-wearing indie-cutie who would never condescend to date you.
Standouts: “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead,” “What I’m Trying to Say”

7. Annie – Anniemal

I already used the “Kylie it’s okay to like” line, and it’s left me with precious little material. Anniemal is an unabashed party album, dripping with Northern-European cuteness and fantastic hooks. That the opening track is called “Chewing Gum” speaks volumes about its tooth-rotting appeal; borrowing equally from Tom Tom Club, Madonna, the Norwegian indie-rock scene, and traditional Continental house music, Annie has created the ideal soundtrack for “Cocktail Party: Martini #4.”
Standouts: “Heartbeat,” “Chewing Gum,” “Me Plus One,” “The Greatest Hit”

6. Wolf Parade – Apologies to the Queen Mary

Was it Johnson & Johnson who reminded us “you never get a second chance to make a first impression?” Well it’s true. As a subway commuter, it’s often difficult for me to get past the first five songs of whatever new album I get. (This is one reason I’ve become less interested in “complete albums” as “artistic statements”… I ain’t got time for your smarty book-readin’ music.) So, it’s important (to me) that albums, you know, hit the ground running. Well Apologies to the Queen Mary hits the ground… and then punches you in the stomach with a gigantic drum-beat and a dose of major lyrical weirdness. “I’ll build a house inside of you / I’ll go in through the mouth / I’ll draw three figures on your heart: / One of them will be me as a boy / One of them will be me / One of them will be me watching you run.” Uh… riiiiight. Gotcha. **Slowly backs out the door** Needless to say, Wolf Parade are Canadian. Anyway, it’s good weird. Kinda like Arcade Fire’s odd, more aggressive nephew.
Standouts: “You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son,” “Grounds for Divorce,” “I’ll Believe in Anything”

5. My Morning Jacket – Z

Classic rock rules!! Um… Sorry. In all fairness, and with genuine love for the Jacket’s very real classic-rock vibe, it must be said that a number of different styles are trotted out on Z. In fact, if this were your fist MMJ album, you’d probably be mystified by all the Neil Young comparisons. Lead single “Off the Record” even sports a by-the-numbers reggae beat (although it doesn’t sound like reggae, thank Christ). The use of “concert hall” echo effects lends the vocals an eerie, alone-in-the-theater quality that belies many of the music’s arena-rock leanings, but that nice lighters-in-the-air feeling never really goes away.
Standouts: “Lay Low,” “Wordless Chorus,” “Off the Record”

4. M.I.A. – Arular

Car commercials, professional sports venues, hipster dance parties, and UK pirate radio mashups. What do they all have in common? Tracks from M.I.A.’s Arular ruled ‘em all this year. Timbaland and Kanye together couldn’t carry this album’s lunchbox in 2005. The bass-n-bongo combo in “Bucky Done Gone” alone could solve the energy crisis if we can just find a way to convert cars from “petrol” to “phat beats.” Dancehall, house, hip-hop, bhangra, UK garage… grime may have been this year’s darling subcategory, bit this album was a subcategory all its own.
Standouts: “Bucky Done Gone,” “10 Dollar,” “Galang”

3. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

Did someone say “weird?” Actually, CYHSY! is a conventionally brilliant rock album… it’s just that Alec Ounsworth’s singing voice makes early David Byrne sound like Burl Ives. Once you get used to it (assuming you can), you can settle into a set of fantastic songs. The David Byrne comparison is apt (if deeply unoriginal), as are comparisons to Neutral Milk Hotel (a la Pitchfork) and the Feelies (a la AllMusic.com). Yet the music itself, considered apart from the lyrics, is far more expansive than that of its esteemed art-rock predecessors, and far less concerned with being “quirky.”
Standouts: “The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth,” “Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away,” “In This Home on Ice”

2. Bloc Party – Silent Alarm

Look, if you haven’t heard this yet then you probably don’t give a shit about music anyway. Just keep listening to Top 40 radio and don’t even worry about it.
Standouts: “Banquet,” “Like Eating Glass,” “She’s Hearing Voices,” “So Here We Are”

1. LCD Soundsystem

Party album of the decade? Well, it’s up there with Stankonia and Franz Ferdinand anyway. James Murphy is a genius and the ultimate black-belt master of the cowbell.
Standouts: “Daft Punk Is Playing at My House,” “Tribulations,” “Too Much Love,” “On Repeat,” “Disco Infiltrator”… all of it, really

So there you have it. Enjoy.

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious!

The Listmania! album list is in the pipe, but in the meantime y'all jive turkeys best check out A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa.

You should also watch "Lazy Sunday." (Chris Parnell is totally underrated.)

LISTMANIA! 2005 - The Top 25 Singles of the Year

A great single is a funny thing. First off, unlike a great album, a truly great single still reserves the right to be utterly stupid. (This notion, however, is not to be confused with claims to "guilty pleasure." There is only pleasure. If you feel guilty about what songs you like, then you a) care too much about what other people think, b) are a practicing Catholic, or c) listen to Mariah Carey.) Unlike the album, which snobs like to consider an "art," singles are allowed--nay, encouraged--to appeal to our immediate and often base appetites. The instant gratification of sugary pop, the involuntary ass-shaking of summer's hottest groove, the fist-pumping mob mentality of the rock anthem... none requires intellectual engagement. Deep thoughts are always tolerated, but at the singles party, no jacket is required. This idea of pleasure separated from "curated" value, however, means that the critical evaluation of the hit (or shoulda-been-a-hit) single is an even more subjective undertaking than an album review (if that's even possible).

I have decided to use this to my advantage: I'm only gonna talk about why these singles were so great if I have something to share. Some of them I just, you know, like. So a few appear without much in the way of commentary. Still, I hope you're encouraged to seek out songs you haven't heard (and iTunes has pretty much negated your ability to be a lazy shit in this regard). I also hope you violently disagree, can't believe I forgot that song, or get inappropriately excited when you feel the same way about one of these tunes. Because that makes you someone who cares a little too much about music... and that, friend, makes me want to buy you a beer.

(A procedural note... these are "singles" in the strict sense. Each selection was released on CD, 7", 12", or MP3 as a single in the year 2005.)

The 25 best singles of 2005, in ascending order:

25. Franz Ferdinand – "Do You Want To"
I would have given anything to like this song more than I do, but it's just not as... smart as their other stuff. Now I don't mean "intelligent" or (god fucking forbid) "difficult." I mean it's not as bloody Britishly clever as their best stuff. That said, it's got a good beat, and I can bug out to it.

24. The Weird Sisters - "Do the Hippogriff"
You'd think this song from the last Harry Potter soundtrack would be notable only for its famous contributors (Pulp's Jarvis Cocker and Radiohead's Johnny Greenwood) and the fact that some dipshit band from Canada tried to sue over it (they're called the Wyrdd Sisters, or something). But surprise! That old wizard magic must've kicked in, because this is actually a really fun dance tune. Anyone know if there's a Hippogriff dance yet?

23. The Futureheads – "Hounds of Love"
Kate Bush fans tend to balk at this tighter, more (wait for the critic word) "angular" take on her 1990 original. Kate Bush fans also tend to prefer flowing dresses and mime and organic teas. Take that as you will.

22. Louis XIV - "Finding Out True Love Is Blind"
They push the drunken cool-guy misogyny thing a little far, but this is still a shit-hot little rocker. An excellent song to put on when you feel like drinking, drugging, and swearing like a British teenager (even though they're from San Diego).

21. Art Brut – "Good Weekend"
See above, only with much better musicians and a lead singer so cool he actually talks all the lyrics. And that makes it better.

20. The Bravery – "An Honest Mistake"
Every year there's a "dance in your underwear like a teenage girl" song. This was definitely it. The "feud" between The Bravery and The Killers made both bands easy to despise (no one want to watch a sissy-fight), and seeing these guys in concert nearly put me in a murderous rage... but I suppose the fact that this catchy little bastard actually transcends the band's overwhelming wankiness says a lot.

19. Morningwood – "Nth Degree"
The lead singer is hot in a plus-sized hipster kinda way, and she's really into showing off her cleavage. Also, the music is very good. But mostly the lady is pretty.

18. Ladytron - "Destroy Everything You Touch"
Seriously, no other band makes great electronic dance tracks sound as effortless as these kids do. Are they even trying?

17. Arctic Monkeys - "(I Bet that You) Look Good on the Dancefloor"
No band deserves this much hype, but this number is quite fun.

16. Stephen Malkmus – "Baby Come On"
Stevie Baby could read his goddamn laundry list and 1,000 guys in glasses would pay $30 for the 7". Luckily, Stevie Baby keeps making amazing solo albums that actually get slept on because they don't sound exactly like a certain now-defunct band. Someday Malkmus will be known as a genuine guitar god. For now he can just keep releasing these summery stoner jams.

15. Bloc Party – "So Here We Are"
Angry British band known primarily for "rocking" and "integrity" and "hating Capitalism" turns out a beautiful love song with lots of ringing guitars and melancholy. Put this on a mix for anyone you have a crush on and they will instantly find you soulful, sincere, and irresistable.

14. Kaiser Chiefs - "Everyday I Love You Less And Less"
"I Predict a Riot" was also good, but this has a better beat and a much better title. Chuck Taylors + 7 beers + dancefloor = this song.

13. Vitalic – "My Friend Dario"
The OK Cowboy album was actually disappointing after the promise of Vitalic's "Poney" and "La Rock" singles, with the major exception of "My Friend Dario." And, come to think of it, this track may have been on a prior 12" as well. Whatever. This song will kick your Suicide Girl ass. Call it "electroclash," "technowave," it just doesn't matter. This is the sound of doing coke off an android's black fingernail as you drive your spaceship into a wall. Only more fun.

12. Kanye West – "Gold Digger"
Not even Jamie Foxx could hurt this track. That's saying a lot, because dude is annoying. "Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger/but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga." Nice. Not that good lyrics in a Kanye song comes as any surprise (although his best "lyric" never appeared in any song, you dig?), but this shit is hilarious. And the goofy little synthesizer breakdown at the end is classic. As a good friend of mine once said, "The beat makes me horny."

11. Doves – "Snowden"
Um, this is just really cool and epic and inspirational sounding. Not Jesus inspirational. More like Coldplay if they weren't pouty wussies. Forget it. I can't explain this one.

10. Madonna – "Hung Up"
The criticisms of this single are valid: the actual music is about as original as Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage." It's someone else's song, fer chrissakes. BUT (and with Madonna, there's always a big but), have you listened to this? Like with good speakers? Stuart Price turned the bass and the fuzzy bottom to 11. Besides, the original ABBA tune was based on a fantastic hook. Remember that thing from before about singles having special stupidity dispensation? This track is stupid like a motherfuckin' fox! Look at everyone on the dance floor at 3:00 a.m. when this song gets mixed in and then try to tell me how "derivative" it is. I won't be listening to you; I'll probably have my shirt off and my hands in the air and some dude with a huge moustache will be stuffing amyl nitrate up my nose.

9. M83 – "Don’t Save Us from the Flames"
Now I can't remember who to credit with this observation (it was either Tye or Peter), but this is like Pink Floyd meets My Bloody Valentine. Also, as with most of Air's material, somehow a thick French accent is an endearing asset.

8. Kelly Clarkson – "Since U Been Gone"
She's a cutie, she was supposed to accomplish nothing musically (so there were no expectations), and she isn't Clay Aiken. Kelly mixed these ingredients with a song that she obviously had no hand in writing and POW, instant super pop hit. It's also weird because a) Ted leo covered it, and b) it reminds me of a Pixies track because the chorus seems to come in at least a measure before you expect it. Like, why waste time with "verse" when you're so busy busting everybody's ass with your huge chorus?

7. Gwen Stefani – "Hollaback Girl"
You've heard it. Duh. You either love it or you hate it. Pick one and move on.

6. M.I.A. – "Bucky Done Gone"
White hipstahs, this is your big chance to feel global, whut whut!! As a white hipster, I love this single because it makes me feel so globally multiethnic. In fact, I make no secret of the fact that I hate dancehall, but this song (and the whole damn album) has so much else going for it: house, hip hop, grime... all in one gargantuan packet. I cannot resist. I must become part of the crazy global village. It's ecotourism without leaving the home.

5. LCD Soundsystem – "Tribulations"
Every single track on this album could be a single in my top ten. But I didn't want an all-LCD Soundsystem list, so I just picked my absolute favorite one. Retarded good.

4. Spoon – "I Turn My Camera On"
Who woulda thought Britt Daniels, the most overly-serious-sounding indie-rock dude on earth, could be so funky? He drops the dirges and the raspy voice, puts on a falsetto, loosens up the bass, and turns into Austin's answer to Ike Turner. What could have been a true WTF moment instead becomes the best song of the year to do your hair to.

3. Maximo Park - "Graffiti"
Like the "dance in your underwear" song, every year there's one "perform in front of 50,000 people at Wembley Stadium" song. This is the one I would want to just belt out at 4:00 in the afternoon while a seething mass of pale soccer fanatics sings along in front of me and goes bonkers cuckoopants batshit. Kickass, lift-up-your-soul rock majesty.

2. Johnny Boy - "You Are the Generation That Bought More Shoes and You Get What You Deserve"**
Well obviously this is the best title of the year. It took me a long time to see what my friends Tye, Matt, and Lance were shitting their pants about, but (as I told Tye today) I've done a lot of growing up this year. I've really matured as a music appreciator, as a human, and as a fundamentalist Christian. Basically, you will like this if you like Phil Spector. Or songs with lots of "Yeah Yeah!" So, you'll probably like it unless you're dead (or maybe just deaf). **Just found out this was released in September of 2004. Oops... my bad. Lazy fact-checking.

1. TIE: Annie – "Heartbeat" / Bloc Party - "Banquet"
Not one word about how this is "cheating." You got a problem with the tie, you can either pretend this was a list of 26 singles, or you can make your own list and follow as many fucking rules as you want. I got no time for your "rules." Rules are not rock 'n' roll. Rules are for nuns, communists, and pastry chefs. Anyway, "Heartbeat" is such a perfectly crafted pop masterpiece that it's almost boring... but, obviously, it's not. Annie is constantly referred to as "the Kylie it's okay to like," and there's a lot of truth to that; it's highly danceable and has Euro street cred, but moms and girlfriends will like it too. And, really, that's as close to an "objectively" great single as you can get. Everyone can agree on its sheer radness and no one wants to change the channel on the car stereo (except that one psycho metalhead friend who's really into being "serious"... and no one's friends with that guy anyway because I just made him up). Anyway, it's sweet and fun and cool.

"Banquet," on the other hand, is not "sweet." It does, however, "kick ass." I refer all listeners to one thing in particular: listen to Matt Tong ride the hell out of the hi-hat during the chorus. I know, it's very specific, but do it. It's crazy. This song is just so effing driven. It's propulsive. It's like a great hardcore song, but with better lyrics and a disco beat. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.

One final note, and I've been subject to this criticism in the past: I wish I listened to more hip-hop. I'm open to suggestions. In fact, all replies, arguments, counter-proposals, helpful hints, and daily affirmations are encouraged and appreciated. (One preemptive response: Yes, Matt and Lance, I realize there are no Babyshambles songs on this list. Get over it.) The album list is forthcoming. Luckily, I'm only writing about 10, so your eyeballs won't melt out of your head.

Holy Convergence, Batman

A startling coincidence: Yesterday I blogged about Flea's Lakers blog (meta??), today I purchased the new Chuck Klosterman book. Later today, at ESPN.com, I happened upon a Chuck Klosterman artlcle about the Lakers. Spooky. Now I shall play the lottery.

...and you're under arrest, too.

Hott-shit disco dancer, former Lindsay Lohan stud-candy, and close personal friend of the new Mr. Demi Moore, Wilmer Valderrama has been tapped to star in the plum role of Officer Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen adaptation of the avant-garde 70s television classic CHiPs. (Now that was a long and snarky sentence.) Can Fez hope to fill the studly leather macho boots of Eric Estrada? No, but watching him try will be worth $10.75 at the local googleplex. (And check the management's professional Photoshop skillz.)

Watch this wonderful holiday video starring our beloved Sarah Silverman: "Give the Jew Girl Toys"

CBGB has been saved... momentarily. The "punk" landmark will close in 2006. (Don't wanna register at NYTimes.com? Read about it at Bitchfork.)

America's Next Top Model, the guiltiest motherfuckin' pleasure that ever done guilted, concluded last night. For the first time ever, the winner was someone I would happily sleep with.

Online Celebretopia

Stereogum has a brief on William Shatner's iTunes playlist... and it's all Shat tunes! How can anybody not love that crazy bastard? Just watch the penal colony scenes from Srar Trek VI and you will understand. He's the greatest american comic since Andy Kaufman. Performance art, bitches!

Despite Kobe Bryant's tendency to hog the ball, hoist 30 shots a game, and, possibly, rape hotel employees...

Wait, let's start over.

Despite Kobe Bryant's existence, I am a dedicated L.A. Lakers fan. Not so dedicated, it appears, as Flea. The only interesting Chili Pepper has a blog at NBA.com, and it's insanely Lakers-centric and pretty funny.

Another of my enthusiasms is Kim Stolz, who was recently eliminated from America's Next Top Model contention. You may know Kim better as "the really hot lesbian with the cute little fauxhawk." Anyway, she's interviewed in this week's Village Voice.

Parental Neglect

No, you haven't been forgotten. Posts are down due to day-job stress, level-10 hangovers, and the fact that no one has sent me anything funny or worthwhile in some time (except that thing about gorilla nipples... thanks, Robbb).

Anyway, *bitter defeat* is gearing up for LISTMANIA! 2005, so stay tuned.

COCO BEWARE!!

Music news au-go-go!

Least surprising music scoop of the year? NME interested in selling copies?? No!!

In case you thought Yeah Yeah Yeahs were overrated... well, that would make you a big ugly dipshit. (Sorry... the management proudly supports concept albums and microphone-fellating art banshees.)

Here's 1,000 free mp3s of cheesy songs (including Billy Ocean's "Get out of My Dreams, Get into My Car"). Lots of ABBA! Be sure to read the instructions at the top. [via Stereogum]